Marriage is probably the most life-changing, all-consuming experience the human condition offers. From the pronouncement of vows on, we instantly unite and adjoin with our spouse, sharing our bodies our home, finances, free time and autonomy over the remote, Understandingly, couples often get lost in themselves, especially during those early years, consumed with the hundreds of daily adjustments and lifestyle alignments it takes in order to live in harmony (like, living a miracle daily, haha). Often, though as the years go on, Christians find themselves missing the closer, more intimate connection they had with God before marriage, when they lived a more simply and solely focused life. We often settle into our structured routines and habits (dinner, then walk the dog, then Netflix ‘til we snooze) which is fine and healthy, unless the state of being married drastically reduces the time, energy and fervor we allocated and felt towards Jesus during our single years. It’s not something to be ashamed over, but it is something to recognize and combat by establishing shared purposes in marriage and daily routines that often need be re-defined and re-adjusted to maintain personal time, connectedness to the Lord. Here are a few that have worked for me, through the years:

1. Find Your Own Space (Locking the Bedroom Door is Suggested)

I think any married couple surviving the Covid crisis immediately recognized the mind-blowing importance of having our own physical space, and time alone, even while under the same roof. Just thinking about quarantine sends shivers down my spine. But even under the best of circumstances I believe it’s healthy to have separate, personal spaces for lots of activities like work, exercise and gardening but I find this truth especially vital for spending personal time with the Lord. If I’m honest, it took me years to finally ask my husband to stay out of our room for about a half hour after coffee every morning, to feel comfortable enough to properly ramble aloud to Jesus, cry with abandon to worship music, and sit in God’s presence with fearing the embarrassment or annoyance of being interrupted. Nothing quite ruins the second worshipful bridge of “Way Maker” like a caffeinated husband busting through the door hopin’ for some morning romance.  In an ideal world, we’d all have our own little prayer rooms, but until then, we just have to get creative. In warmer weather, I’ve trekked out with the insulated coffee mug for quiet time in my back woods, where even the dog knows to leave me alone. I have friends who escape with God by taking walks alone, whispering prayers and avoiding the chatty neighbor. Everybody’s way varies, but most agree the biggest benefit of designating time and place for your personal time with God, is the chance that it’ll actually happen.

2. Praying Together Never Replaces Personal Prayer
   

   Another seemingly positive trend that encroaches on our personal time with the Lord is the art of “shared” quiet time when spouses take time to pray and read the Word together. Of course, praying together is so vital in maintaining a healthy marriage (less than .006 of marriages end in divorce when spouses regularly pray together) but no spiritual activity or shared experience should ever replace personal time with the Lord. It’s the same concept seen when spending time with a group of friends. We might all enjoy each other’s company, but often the real, vulnerable, intimate conversations and connections are achieved during one-one time. The best Biblical demonstration of this need for alone time with God is through Jesus himself. Hopefully your man understands this concept, but if you’re married to a clingy gent, consider reminding him that Jesus prioritized his personal relationship with Father. He was charged with the most important and vital task known to man (saving mankind) and yet He often left his closest friends and his crowds of followers to escape and be alone with God. It’s only through personal time with Him that our spirits truly re-charge, connect and properly hear from the Lord. We may be in marriage covenant committed to loving and serving each other, but we still have our own spiritual journeys, callings and dreams the Lord has implanted in our hearts and our job as godly spouses are to water and nurture each one.

3. Your Spouse Doesn’t Replace God (Thank the Lordy)

Through the years, I’ve heard from many friends feeling a diminished need for God, a dwindling fire for ministry, and frankly a subtle feeling of uselessness for the kingdom after years of being married. We know marriage can be tough, but it does solve a lot of prior hardships like loneliness and financial stress, and the lack of hardship often causes us to become complacent and/or distracted by the benefits and ease found in married life. I don’t think I ever prayed harder or needed God more than when I was a single mom, hanging on by a thread, daily. We also may tend to feel less passionate and available for the things of God when so much attention is diverted towards our spouse’s needs. Paul alludes to this concept in 1 Corinthians 7 when he encourages Christians to remain single to fully focus on serving Christ.  Marriage is wonderful gift from God ultimately created to draw us closer to Him, but our spouse was never designed to be our ultimate supplier of joy, peace or satisfaction. There is a way to remain just as spiritually on fire and hungry for the word after marriage, but it really does require dedicated, intentional times of seeking and hearing God.

4. Remember, You’re Much Nicer After Being with Jesus

   A few weeks ago, I found myself in toddler-esque rage about something stupid the neighbors did. It’s honestly too mortifying to expound on, but the relevant point here is just a couple minutes into my rant, my husband gently (okay trepidatiously) asked, “babe…did you skip your quiet time today.” I of course snarled in the moment… but he was right. Jesus might’ve saved my soul 20 years ago but this pre (PRE, darn it!) perimenopausal princess needs him daily. When we take time to be still and soak in God’s presence intentionally, we’re reminded of how much we’re loved, ow precious this life is, and our spirits return to Him. Somehow, all the things that matter rise to the surface, and the “things of the world” take a more rightful, lowly place in our hearts and minds. The problems, irritants, and stressors in life diminish, and we’re able to operate above the fray, not distracted or tempted by the things that come against us by the hour, if not minute. It’s kinda hard justifying an Emmy Award Winning silent treatment to the hubs, after spending time with the one who suffered and died for us.  Marriage is hard, and it’s clearly under attack in our culture right now, so the best thing we could ever do for each other, ourselves, and our families, is to get down on our knees and commune with Him.

5. Help Keep Each Other Accountable

Tangible needs often take precedence over the intangible. It’s hard to sit still for 20 minutes in the morning, or any time really, when the laundry piles are staring you in the face, the dog’s begging to go out, or the kids are yelling for snacks. One way to prioritize our time with God is help each other “covering” for the other during our designated quiet time. For example, if one spouse prefers having quiet time during the evenings, spouses can take turns covering the household chores like after-dinner dishes or remaining on kid duty, and visa versa. This way, we keep each other accountable, and feel supported in our pursuit of God.

It can be tempting to skip out on quiet time, with or without the pressures of marriage. But if we really want more breakthroughs, changes in habits, and victory in areas we’ve been praying about for years, we need to commit to being still and hearing God’s voice. It means making the time to do the exact opposite of what feels natural when we’re feeling exhausted, distracted, or just “blah.”  It means sacrificing our coveted time to be alone with God, letting his presence renew our spirits and infuse His Peace, so we can actually hear what He has to say. Personal time with God is the greatest gift we can give ourselves, and each other, even when the Netflix calls.

For more on marriage, check out my post, “9 Marriage-Killing Habits to Avoid, Daily”