Something nasty’s in the air when it comes to relationships. Whether it’s a marriage crisis or parental drama, it seems like every friend I talk to these days is legit going through it. In this exact moment, my world feels astoundingly settled (than you Jesus) but I’ve recently come out of a one of the roughest seasons of my life, making me not only grateful for the peace, but eager to encourage anyone still struggling through a hard time.
If you’re fighting for sanity right now, in the beginning stages of an unforeseen crises, first off, I’m sorry. No rosy-colored words here because that only makes it worse. But as someone who’s survived some Lifetime movie-grade drama and tragedy in the fairly recent past, here are some survival skills that’ve gotten me through times of extreme stress.
When walking any friend through something hard, the first words out of my mouth are always this: “Don’t think too far ahead. Just focus on today.” Whenever something upsetting happens…you find porn on our husband’s phone, or you find alcohol in your teen’s backpack, or your sister just got diagnosed with chronic condition, an immediate human response is to panic, and fast forward to the bad ending.
When your self-protective instincts kick-in it’s easy to assume the worst and hyper-focus on everything that’ll be negatively affected by the crisis. Women are the burden-bearers of the family, so of course we instantly obsess over what will happen to our kids if we get a divorce. If we find a vape in our kid’s backpack, we immediately assume they’re on a path towards every harmful sin imaginable and we’ve failed as a mother. If we’ve made a colossally dumb financial move, we immediately fear we’ll never recover, and our spouse will resent us for life.
I get it, but through the years, I’ve learned the number one way to combat emotional break downs is by refusing to envision “the funeral,” and take life one day (one hour if necessary) at a time. When you’re in hyper-stress mode, your mind and body are not in a place to hypothesize about the future. Even if you’re convinced of the pending doom ahead, I promise you God already has a way out for you. He is bigger than this mess. 2 Romans 8:28 says “and we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good.” God already knows the outcome of whatever problem we’re facing, and He’s already formed a rescue plan.
Especially when in crises mode, we can’t predict the future. You don’t know how you’ll feel, or what can change in a month, two months or nine months from now, even when it feels impossible to feel hope in this moment.
What we are able to control is what we set our minds upon, only focussing on today.
Here’s what I’ve done in the past when something horrible happens. Try beginning every day…like right when you wake up before all the thoughts start flooding… by committing the situation to the Lord.
Even if you can’t verbally speak because you’re so riddled with anxiety or breathless from balling, just silently pray for the strength, peace and direction to make it through the next sixteen hours until your head hits the pillow again. May sound trite, or obvious, but when we’re in crisis mode, sometimes we’re just too crazed and overwhelmed to do the simple yet powerful things that make such a difference.
Next, whenever you feel yourself panicking, or spiraling hard, pause for ten seconds and invite God into the exact emotions you’re feeling-the fear, the rage, the hurt…everything. If you’re about to rage storm into your husband’s office and smash a mug through his computer screen (just bein’ real), take a second and ask Jesus to take over. If you’re about send someone an unhinged email you know you’ll regret but feels oh so good in the moment, pause and give the Holy Spirit a chance to intervene. This is what walking with Jesus means. This is what going through the valley of the Shadow of Death without fearing evil means. I’m speaking from experience, not a Biblical trope stitched onto Hobby Lobby wall art. There IS a way to have peace in the storm.
Next, remind yourself that God is in control. If you’re unsure what this means, or need a scriptural refresher, I’ve listed some of the best below. Again, “trust God in the trials” may sound like rosy colored Christian – ese, but it’s either true or it’s not. We either believe God is able to rescue us from any situation, or we don’t. No matter how big the disaster we’re in, God is not caught off guard, and He can handle it.
Remember, according to Romans 8:38-30, nothing can separate us. from God’s love. Not an emotional affair, not your teen going AWOL, not your best friend abandoning you…nothing. So even when it feels like we’ll never recover, we can have peace knowing God has quite literally already figured out a way for us to arise on the other side of this situation healed and whole.
Last thing: don’t discount your suffering. It’s not fun to think about, but our hardest times often lead to breakthrough. I know couples previously hinging on divorce who are much more solid now after extreme difficulties. Hard times, when worked through with the Lord, often surface unhealthy patterns and habits that might’ve never been revealed without them. I know parents who have such closer relationships with their kids and with God because of the unpleasant drama they’ve gone through with their children. I refer to this as the “great undoing.” God shakes things down and allows brokenness, if necessary, in order to rebuild our hearts on a firmer foundation.
God is not surprised by whatever stressful thing you’re going through, and He’s not confused about how to help. He’s with you, and He always uses every hard thing, for our good. I’ve come out of every major trial with a deeper, more sure revelation of who God is, and who I am to Him. Every time.
I know it feels hopeless and endless when you’re going through something horrible. But Jesus is right there with you. Remember: take it one day at a time, with one step in front of the other, eyes locked on Him. He’ll never leave you or forsake you, even if this crisis is self-created. He’s going to get you through, and He’ll never let you down. xo
