There are lots of unwritten, social codes in life that most of us adopt through shared life experience. There’s “co-worker code,” prompting us to text a work bestie when she’s clearly unaware her Zoom camera’s on. There’s “mom code,” full of universally accepted practices like stopping all friend chatter when our respective kid goes for a goal/touchdown/layup, and of course “sister code,” mandating no one tells mom about our current drama because we all know she’ll lose sleep for a week.

We rarely think about these subconsciously born systems because most have been engrained into our behaviors for years. But something that came up during a recent girls night made me deeply appreciate the absolute greatest of them all…girl code.

For the rare woman not familiar with this phenomenon or for the male reader out there (although ewe, why are you reading a women’s blog, please stop) girl code is the unspoken, universal support shown in female friendship circles. Most girl code activity evolves naturally, because in my opinion, the ability to uplift and nurture others-especially our tribe of girlfriends- is in our DNA. Like an emotional survival tactic stemming from red tent communities seen in Biblical times, or centuries of holding each other’s hair back after underestimating the strong pour.

So, for example, when your friend army crawls out of a painful divorce at age 43 with four kids in tote, girl code mandates you look her dead in the eyes with the conviction of Mahatma Gandhi, assuring the best of life is still ahead, and the man of her dreams is right around the corner.

You say this knowing full well scoring an available born again over 40 (without a criminal background) in New England is as likely as your teenager offering free hugs and deleting his socials tomorrow. It’s not lying. It’s girl code. Because as we all know, when we’re devasted or heartbroken, we’re not lookin’ for facts. We’re looking for comfort. I’m convinced Jesus understands.

Girl code also can be seen at play when your bestie texts a pic of herself in skinny jeans rolled at the ankle with outdated boot heels giving “Poison groupie,” asking for an honest opinion about her first date outfit. You promptly send four Madewell links to high waisted denim, assuring her that yes, she looks hotter than hell in August…but you’ll come body block the door if she even thinks about ignoring your input…because friends don’t let friends wear low rise bootcuts.

Girl code is finding that tender balance between supporting your friend’s choices and dreams no matter what, and threatening to roll in glass shards if she continues dating the narcissist who’s literally mean to her cat and refers to himself in the third person. Jesus, please help…

Girl code is necessary, because to be frank, we need each other. And this kind of dependency doesn’t equivocate to weakness. It just affirms the gravity of our case. Kinda like how the ancient Romans wore the strongest chainmail because they fought the hardest battles.

Life as a woman is complicated. We’re feelers. We verbally process nearly three times what men do, because our brains are different. I normally avoid generalizing, but from what I’ve experienced, women tend to be innate nurturers, worrying and caring for the needs of every being in their orbit (kids, parents, friends, partners, work friends, pets…the friggin’ plants) and let’s not think of traversing down the hormone management rabbit hole.

The Lord is our rock, of course, but life can be a lot. And if we’re trusting the polls these days, literally one half of us are raising kids on our own right now, working full time and ensuring the house doesn’t combust into a dumpster fire, all while attempting wall Pilates while the dishes dry to hopefully stay thin, and relevant. Not to hate on the fellas, but there’s a reason why ‘bro code’ is solely comprised of not ratting on each other for flirting with the cart girl on the course. (!!)

Sometimes, girl code is much more serious, and weighty. It’s warning a female co-worker about the creeper sitting in the empty parking lot downstairs. It’s being the first human your friend calls in tearful relief after clearing her mamo follow up, or the first one she runs to after bleeding in her first trimester…because sometimes even romantic partners aren’t the one. I mean for goodness sakes, a friend of mine heroically removed a lodged diva cup from another friend’s vagina during the Covid shut down. Show me a man willing and to perform any sort of benevolent act, lifesaving or otherwise, involving another friend’s orifice and I’ll curtail my stance on girl code.

EVERY so often I’ll come across a woman who somehow missed the memo. She’s the friend of a friend who always forgoing warmth and stating the obvious with male energy bluntness. She’ll say things like, “Oh brother, just wear what you want, who cares what you look like,” and sees girl talk about things like PMS meltdowns or relationship woes as vacuous, or a sign of weakness. I just assume she’ wasn’t hugged as a child or maybe has a touch of the tism.

All this to say, I hadn’t thought about girl code for who knows how long, until the most absurd convo-turned discovery surfaced during a recent girls night. A friend currently in the nightmarish throws of online dating stopped the show by sharing about an app she discovered called Tea-Safe.

With absolute zero exaggeration this is the description: Tea Safe not only helps women determine if they’re dating the same guy (through verified screen shots!!!) it helps women avoid red flags before the first date by providing a suite of safe dating tools including background checks, reverse image searches, reverse phone number lookups, criminal record searches, and criminal record searches.

So to be clear, liaising with the men folk in person has become so universally terrifying that we’ve solicited the help of Chinese coders charged with studying sociopathic algorithms.

First, just wow. Second…genius. Yes it’s sad that the existence of this and other similar platforms like Facebook’s “Are we dating the same guy?” is necessary to begin with, but I love the spirit of sisterly camaraderie behind their origin. I mean, who has time for cattiness when Brett from Boise, Idaho is taking two of us out for mid snacks/drinks on the same night?!

We need each other ladies…and we probably always will. And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cheers to the power of female friendship. Now who has a tampon, I brought the wrong purse. ; ). xo

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For more on female friendship, check out my post, “Friends, the Backbone of Life.” : )