For the past few years, up until recently, I’ve been plagued by negative flashbacks. They were like these unpredictable mental assaults firing memories of things I feel guilty about regarding my kids. I’d be showering, or doing the dishes, or driving to work and bam! A memory of walking out the door to go on yet another post-divorce date, while my kids crying for me not to leave. Or the look on my son’s face after accidentally hearing a screaming match between his dad and I in the kitchen. The torment was endless and eventually, the cause became clear.

I had never forgiven myself.

I’d been carrying around such regret and shame for all the ways I’ve let my kids down in the past, that suffering became an accepted way of life. I had never once thought to ask God for forgiveness. Stuffing down the shameful memories seemed much less painful than acknowledging them and laying my remorse at the feet of Jesus. Too much trauma was wrapped around every single memory. Too much self-loathing to gather and release in one fell swoop.

Are there regrets, or remnants of your past you just can’t get over? Are you still punishing yourself for ways you’ve let the people you love down? Do you find yourself in patterns of numbing pain in unhealthy ways (binging shows, drinking too much, escapism through online shopping, etc.) and you really don’t know why? There’s a chance you’re carrying around unresolved pain fortified by unforgiveness of self.

It sounds intense, because it is. For mothers particularly, there’s almost nothing worse than the feeling of letting our kids down. But to some degree, we all do. In varying levels, we’re all selfish. When feeling vulnerable or anxious, lots of us hurt others in our wake. I believe we’re all on healing journeys causing us to disappoint others along the way because quite simply, we’re broken.

As moms, we’re expected to offer constant nurturing and emotional presentness while still consciously or subconsciously trying to heal from our trauma and work through our own issues. But according to John 17:17 we’re not perfect, yet. Even after meeting Jesus. We’re being progressively sanctified, which is the ongoing, incomplete, lifelong maturing process in which a Christian becomes holy.

This means we’re not wholly holy. We’re not fully righteous, nor excellent until we reach heaven. We’re not above failure, and stupidity, and emotional immaturity, and God understands that. It’s only inevitable that we’ll hurt and let others down throughout this journey, and sadly, that includes our kids, our husbands, our best friends, etc.

So again. We need to forgive ourselves. We need to extend the exact amount of mercy and grace to ourselves that God already offers us. According to 1 John 1:9 He forgives us our sins and purifies us from all unrighteousness. We need to really believe God forgives our wickedness and “remembers our sins no more,” (Hebrews 8:12) and let this truth sink deep into our hearts and minds.

If this is difficult, think about your kids. Is there anything you haven’t or couldn’t forgive them for, or feel empathy over, even when they disappoint? God sees you through the same, if not greater lens of mercy. He’s one hundred percent forgiven you…for everything. We’re talking infidelity, hatred of others, deceitfulness, being a “bad” mother, falling into patterns of envy and greed, and the ugly list goes on. Jesus’ blood covers every ounce of our failure and disgust.

And so, it’s time to heal, and that starts with repenting for whatever we’re remorseful over. We may need to ask others for forgiveness, if necessary. One of the most grueling experiences of my life was having a face-to-face conversation with my 20-year-old son, literally choking on my own tears, fighting for breath as I asked forgiveness for at times being emotionally and physically absent when he needed me most. Did my confession make the past okay, or instantly mend our relationship? No, but it was the first step towards healing for us both.

Life is too short, and your heart been through too much. Today is the day to forgive. xo

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For more on self-forgiveness, check out my blog, “Why Your Ugly Past is Also Your Present.”