Everyone talks about how difficult divorce is, but we rarely hear about the nuanced triggers we face in those first one or two years after it happens. The Facebook time-hops that somehow make your ex look sexy. Hearing WAY too much from the kids about Dad’s shiny new life—including his sudden devotion to the gym. Unexpectedly running into Dad’s “new friend” at a soccer game. The emotional landmines are endless.
Some triggers are unavoidable, especially when you share children, I’m slowly learning how to avoid some of the biggies and diffuse the fallout from the unavoidable ones that would’ve sent me spiraling in the past. So far, the key has been becoming more intentional about guarding my heart and saying no when I need to.
For example: if you know a certain event or activity will stir up unwanted memories, it’s okay to skip it. Right now for me, it’s Fall fairs. Here in Connecticut, harvest season is full of pumpkin carving, orchard strolling, and cider drinking—all things my ex and I used to do together every year. This year, I’ll be attending zero, even when friends/family asks me to join.
This isn’t about being a killjoy, or wallowing in self-pity. It’s about knowing and respecting what your heart can handle right now. Really, it’s self-care. And it’s perfectly fine to tell well-meaning friends and family, “No, I’m not up for that today.” If going to the same Fourth of July picnic you attended with your spouse for the past ten years feels too painful, it may be time to start a new tradition. Maybe even find a new church, a new vacation spot, or take some distance from mutual friends if they can’t respect your boundaries around not discussing your ex.
More change can feel overwhelming—especially after the blunt emotional trauma of a sudden divorce. But instead of looking at these transitions as losses, I’m trying to see this season as an opportunity to create new experiences that bring joy. New traditions that belong only to me and my kids—or, if you’re beyond child-rearing, ones that belong just to you.
Sometimes, though, it feels just as good to reclaim old memories. Recently, I went on a girls’ trip to one of my favorite vacation spots—the same place my husband and I used to celebrate my birthday every summer. I was nervous about going back, but here’s the thing: that little piece of heaven was my favorite long before I even met him. I didn’t want to lose it to the past. There were for sure moments that stung, but the joy that place has always brought me far outweighed the fleeting sadness. It felt redemptive, and healing.
This season is about creating a new (and peaceful) normal, and about being kind and nurturing to your own heart. Give yourself grace for melting down in Target when “your song” comes on the radio. Forgive yourself for the emotional tantrum after hearing your ex finally took the kids on the trip he refused for twenty years.
Life still goes on. The pain continually lessens. And the joys gradually increase. The key is learning how to navigate and disarm the landmines when inevitably pop up—until, one day, they simply don’t.
Tune in to this week’s Free Failing episode to hear my co-host Jess and I share more thoughts on post-divorce triggers and visit us on YouTube! xo
