Loneliness is kind of awful. And it’s oftentimes very misunderstood. Some may associate loneliness with being a single “cat lady” or someone with no social life, but my experiences have been very different. I’ve found myself feeing very lonely while traversing hard seasons marriage, during challenging parenting seasons, and even when surrounded by friends and family.
Similar to anxiety or depression, loneliness is a sad, intangible ache that can’t always be detected by others, and doesn’t have an obvious remedy. Thankfully, loneliness does eventually subside, and I’ve learned some helpful ways to decrease the pain, in the meantime. Here’s a few…
#1 Trick Yourself Out Of Loneliness
Loneliness can become an offshoot of boredom. After my divorce years ago, I remember feeling perfectly fine during the daytime hours, and then BAM! The kids would go down and I’d transmute into an emotional gremlin at the stroke of 9 pm. No one to text or talk to. No one to cuddle with or argue over what cheese would make it onto the charcuterie board tonight. Just me, some house plants and a space heater working overtime. ‘Twas pretty bleak at first…but then I started thinking…what if these few hours of aloneness suddenly disappeared? What if I had to work a night job, or a second shift when the kids went down or when they get picked up?
When we shift our perspective (even just a little!) and start viewing alone time as more of a gift rather than an open door for loneliness, it can help significantly.
Next time you feel lonely…whether it’s because your spouse is deployed in the military, or away on business again, or you’re a single mom sick of scrolling Insta alone, night after night, try and look at this time as a temporary season, instead of a permanent plight. Try and remember what it was like have an infant when you had ZERO (say it with my ZERO!) time for yourself. Shivers down the spine, right?
Loneliness can give birth to creativity, productivity and yes, even fun if we let it. It can feel “blah” to have no one to be with, or nothing to do on a Sunday afternoon, or a Friday night when the kids are gone. But this can also be a time to work on that side hustle, or read the e-book that’s been in your que since 2021.
How many times had we dreamt of having time on a Saturday morning to legit sit on the couch scrolling Pinterest for new hairstyles/light fixtures/Keto recipes? Or finally watch that new series your bestie swore on her spa membership would not disappoint? It might not be the deepest, most profound of solutions…but it really does help!
#2 Be That Auntie
In the wake of a particularly crushing breakup years ago, I sure did become that girl constantly inviting myself over my sisters’ and mom’s house to avoid the soul-crushing aloneness. “Okay if I come over for movie night with the kids later? Great. I’ll bring ice cream.”
No one wants to feel “needy” or be seen as that sad friend who can never be alone but ya know what? Everyone’s been there at least once. And in the legendary words of Salt-N-Peppa, I ain’t too proud to beg.
During this thankfully shorter season of loneliness, I also tortured introverted and very couple-up friends by initiating girl’s nights all the time. Looking back, they most definitely agreed to taco Tuesdays out of pure pity, but that’s what friends are for.
Being social doesn’t necessarily always remedy loneliness, but I’ve found it drastically helps. Take the plunge and persuade a friend to join a small group at church, or start a book club, or ask mom friends and family members to text their kids’ game schedules every weekend so you always have somewhere to go. Just sayin’ two weekends of your nephew’s three-hour baseball tournaments might permanently zap the lonely right out.
#3: Invite God Into Your Loneliness
I know this sounds trite. Like yea yea, Jesus loves me and He’s always with us…. but I will say, I went years walking with the Lord before this principal became real.
God’s comforting presence is always around us, but unless we engage with Him-like talk to Him through the day/night, ask him for help when feeling lonely, etc.-it honestly won’t feel any different or better. Same way you can be legally married and cohabitating, but if you and your spouse stop talk talking and hanging out, it can feel pretty lonely (who’s feelin’ me?!)
Every time you feel that first sliver of loneliness prick through your being, just pause, be still and turn your affection towards Him. Go on a walk or escape to into nature if you can and just meditate His promises to you. Remind yourself (good to have a list on your phone or laptop!) of all the scriptures on God’s comfort, and nearness.
According to James 4:8, when we draw near to God, He draws near to us. Whatever the reason is behind your loneliness, God understands, and He WILL lead you out of your emotional wilderness, in His time. But we have to initiate.
#4 Get To The Source
Gotta say. I do NOT shine in the area of aloneness. There is a HUGE difference between aloneness and loneliness. Give me some kid-free “alone time” all day long, like a weekend away with the girls or an entire taking a bath/reading a book/night shoving guac my face re-watching my favorite show. But being alone for extended periods of time…not so appealing.
Whether it’s literally or metaphorically, being alone is hard for lots of us women because it easily landslides into loneliness. So here’s the thing. If you find yourself alone right now, you have two choices. Make the most of it, or allow loneliness to deliver it’s predictable, tired blend of sadness and discontentment until you succumb. OR you can look at this season as a temporary opportunity to grow.
Next time you feel a stab of loneliness…let’s say after the kids leave for the weekend with your ex, or you’re traversing through those first few weeks, post-breakup…stop and name the emotions you’re feeling. It could be sadness. It could be rejection or disappointment. It could be abandonment. Now give those emotions over to God and watch and feel the difference.
God sees you, He cares, and this really won’t last forever (never does!). He’ll use every bit of suffering and pain to grow and evolve us into better versions of ourselves, so try and lean on Him in ways you haven’t before. You’ll feel less lonely when you FEEL God all around you, rather than just logically believing He is. xo
Isaiah 41:10 ~ Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Have you signed up for my weekly blog yet? If not click here and you also get a free digital copy of my book, Hiding from the Kids in My Prayer Closet!
For more on tackling hard emotions, check out my recent post, When Battling Anxiety, Remember This One Thing.
